DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old man currently dating a 39-year-old woman. We have been dating for 2½ months. We have talked about our age difference a couple of times, but apart from that issue, every other aspect of our relationship is going well, including communication, intimacy and maturity.
We are not super-interested in having children, and we both have expressed interest in adopting a child if we were to have one somewhere down the line.
Despite this, I have heard from family (my parents, mostly) and close friends that I’m making a terrible mistake by dating a woman so much older. They say it is not practical to marry a woman so much older because it will present major health and aging challenges as time goes by. This is the argument that most influences my feelings.
Should I break up with her and tell her that the age difference is the reason? I feel I should decide soon so as not to waste her time.
NOT JUST A NUMBER IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR NOT JUST A NUMBER: You have been seeing this woman for only 2½ months. The relationship is still new. That you are discussing marriage and children seems to me to be premature. My advice is to slow down. Let time dictate whether this romance develops further.
Discuss the flak you are getting from your parents with your lady friend. But the 14-year age difference does not necessarily mean that she’ll have health challenges that you won’t. Decide together whether the age difference is a deal-breaker.
DEAR ABBY: My husband barely speaks to me. We both work full time and are facing the empty nest very soon.
At home, I have to initiate even the smallest of small talk. He’ll never say “Good morning” or ask “How was your day?”
Although I work hard to keep the house the way he likes it, he speaks up only to criticize the few times I don’t meet his standards. There’s never a word of acknowledgment when I have accomplished other elements of housekeeping.
When I laugh at the Sunday comics, he doesn’t even ask what’s funny. As a result, I have become defensive. Then he accuses me of being “dismissive of his feelings.” He says I don’t communicate with him, but when I do, he barely responds, so over the years I have basically shut down.
We have been to counseling, and maybe it’s time to go again. Do you have any perspective to offer?
UNACKNOWLEDGED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: It is definitely the right move to return to counseling. But when you do, this time speak up for yourself loud and clear. If you do, it may change the dynamics of your relationship because when he accuses you of not communicating, he is blaming the victim. Once you have said your piece, let the marriage and family therapist mediate what is certain to be a long-overdue discussion.
DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a strange question, but my husband says our 6-year-old cat, “Taffy,” is really 42 years old. He says one cat year equals seven people years. Taffy is like a baby to me. What gives?
NEVER HEARD THAT IN NEVADA
DEAR NEVER HEARD: Your husband is right. As you may have already noticed, humans have longer lives than dogs and cats, and the pets mature faster. According to veterinary medicine, the first two years of a cat’s life equal 25 human years. After that, every cat year equals four human years. This would make Taffy at least 41. If this is shocking to you, remember that 42 is the new 22.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
